2021.12.02 03:29 ledeledeledeledele Does this sound like AvPD?
Obviously there can’t be a diagnosis on here, but I want to know if anyone here can relate to this.
As a bit of background (there’s a lot more in my post history if you want to look), I (24M) was raised by an extremely narcissistic family and was bullied in middle school. I was the scapegoat of the family and was constantly insulted and humiliated for how I looked, how I dressed, how I talked, and so many other things. My family made me feel like I was a freak even though I wasn’t.
I spent my whole childhood thinking I was an unloveable freak until high school, when puberty really kicked in for me and I was suddenly extremely handsome. Or at least girls suddenly noticed that I was. It specifically happened when I stopped wearing glasses. I went from ZERO attention to suddenly being looked at by what seemed like all the girls in school. But instead of feeling confident and having relationships and doing normal high school things, I felt terrified and overwhelmed by the attention. Flirting felt too vulnerable and terrifying for me. I just froze up whenever a girl was checking me out. I physically couldn’t move. I would avoid eye contact and try to get back to the “safety” of not being the center of attention even though I wanted to be loved so fucking bad. There was one girl that I actually was able to flirt back with, and it actually progressed to some touching and more flirting (stuff like her putting her legs on my lap in class when our desks were next to each other, etc). However, it didn’t get any easier for me. I didn’t feel more comfortable. I was just…frozen while she was doing all of this stuff, although I loved it. I basically felt like I was exposed and eventually—almost as if I couldn’t control myself—stopped reciprocating and she slowly but surely realized that I was giving signals that I didn’t like her, even though that wasn’t the case at all. Every time I tried to talk to her about it, I physically froze. I still feel ashamed about it. I guess it makes sense though if I have AvPD. This is what happened in every single other circumstance where girls were attracted to me. Another problem was (and still is) the fact that my self esteem is so fucking low. No matter how many girls show me that they like me, I don’t see myself as handsome.
I’ve tried to talk to people about this but I either get sympathetic responses where they try to make me feel better but don’t understand how I feel, or I’ll get people who dismiss me by saying things like “Everyone gets nervous around their crush”. This isn’t fucking normal nervousness. This is how I would feel if I was about to die. Isolating myself 24/7 feels safer than exposing myself to even one person. I also get the people who say stuff like “How do you not have a girlfriend?! How have you only had one this whole time?!” How the fuck am I supposed to explain how I feel?
After years of therapy and going no contact with my narcissistic family, I’m just starting to feel comfortable with people. I’ve never felt that before. I feel like I can actually have a conversation with someone without dissociating out of the sheer terror of it. I think I might even be able to have a relationship (the only one I’ve had so far was LDR). It’s huge progress for me but I’m so angry that I’ve missed out on what should have been a normal life.
The scariest thing by far is still working at a job. The idea of interacting with so many people terrified me because I know I can’t keep up my false mask for self-protection forever. It’s exhausting. And yet I have such a hard time trusting people. It’s caused me to turn down so many job opportunities to the point that I’ve risked being homeless because of how hard it is.
This is my story. Thanks for reading.
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2021.12.02 03:29 Nidhal2006 Tyler1 plays IVERN again !!
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2021.12.02 03:29 gobrownsgochubb There is only one true savior in this cruel world
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2021.12.02 03:29 huoney Drew shadow the world ( the world before dio knew about its power )
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2021.12.02 03:29 TheYellowInkling Looking for a Random Item Generator that supports Forge mods
Hi. I'm looking for a Datapack/Mod that give you a Random Item every 30 seconds and I want it to work with mods so it can give you a random modded item as well as vanilla items. Does anyone know a datapack that can do that?
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2021.12.02 03:29 SlakthusDisko Texas, pvp zone since 2017
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2021.12.02 03:29 horusia022 ( 4K walk ) Sunny day Lazona Kawasaki Plaza ＆ Tamagawa River ( Japan )
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2021.12.02 03:29 SleazePipe Sherlock Holmes [Moriarty the Patriot] ++ Ballpoint pen drawing ++
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2021.12.02 03:29 sMaLlBrAiN__ mina😍irl
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2021.12.02 03:29 oechsfghfghfg Highest APR in the Game .. Shed Bsc is on truly undervalued Gem..
2021.12.02 03:29 GenghisFarn Local Pickup 🙌🏽 2015 Xmas Jersey! Need to add a few more to the collection
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2021.12.02 03:29 Icy_Dingo135 Viva cristo rey
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2021.12.02 03:29 I_AmTheGovernment stress - ghost club (FFO: Worst Party Ever, MOBO, Marietta)
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2021.12.02 03:29 sebastianmanza I'm in Washington and got a 221 - will I get National Merit?
2021.12.02 03:29 VadeingMitts Some monster children
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2021.12.02 03:29 Subject-Vegetable-25 What are your thoughts on swing trading SPY LEAPs? Is anyone successful doing it?
Basically I have been speculating with option as tool of leverage but keep getting roasted. I deeply reflected to myself while continuing to learn in the option world. Here are the lessons I learned so far, and it has come to my realization that swinging SPY LEAPs may be a good strategy:
2021.12.02 03:29 ShrekTheYuriExpert taking le walk (Akyuu x Kosuzu)
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2021.12.02 03:29 BluebirdOnBranch I love the new ring
2021.12.02 03:29 Hrmbee Public plea issued after catch of freakishly large goldfish
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2021.12.02 03:29 DarthVadeer Took winnings in but coin. What now?
In order to avoid fees from an online Sportsbook I am considering taking the winnings in but Bitcoin. I will likely use Coinbase but plan to immediately turn around and cash out.
Can anyone offer any advice on this? What are the tax implications of doing it this way? Compared to the nearly $120 the site would charge me to receive a check.
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2021.12.02 03:29 124as Does music count? Otherwise, BLUE!
2021.12.02 03:29 zxxzzzxxxx Anyone else started to suck after the update?
I have over 1k hours in this game and have done world conquers for many countries. Ever since the update though I always lose. I’ve done 5 Soviet runs and all failed, then I decided to try Germany instead as that should be an easy game right? Wrong, first time complete failure, got naval invaded from everywhere despite having all coasts guarded, second time I ran out of manpower super quick after the war started. What on Earth is going on?
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2021.12.02 03:29 Larry_Phischman Did VLDL run out of D&D Content?
2021.12.02 03:29 JonBoy82 Rough couple of days? No worries. $GME this year has done a lot for us and we are just getting started!
2021.12.02 03:29 YT_WiglezTv How do I adjust this drawer so that it’s not scratching the table? Thanks
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